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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Are You Really Ready?

Guest Post Author, Tamara Davis

Are You Really Ready?
I was recently e-mailed the link to How Can I Find A God-Sent Husband, I'm Tired of Waiting by Karen Evans. While reading the article, one statement rang loudly in my spirit—“Please understand and listen when I say that God wants the man to take the lead in relationships. He wants the man to pace the relationship. When women take leadership roles, we can expect disorder in our relationships because we are out of God’s order.”  I was stunned because last year I experienced firsthand what happens when we do not allow the Lord and the man pursuing us to take the lead and REMAIN the lead.
               I was introduced to “Langston” last year. We initially did not want to meet because we were both comfortable with our lives for God.   During our first conversation, I made it clear to him that I was only interested in friendship and he was perfectly fine with that. My plan was to do what I had always done, which was to be cold and protect myself from any hurt.  A few months went by and I started liking him in more than a friendly way.  He liked me as well so we entered into courtship. Things were wonderful but as time went on the dynamics shifted.  Three months after we started courting, we crashed and burned. We agreed to go back to being just friends but I had a hard time adjusting because in my heart, I still wanted more.  He was always so kind to me and that made it harder to let go and move on.  I started sinking under the mental and emotional weight of another failed relationship. I cried out to the Lord because I wanted answers.  In His answer to me, He challenged me with an instruction for 30 days, which turned into 73 days of the most concentrated time of prayer, fasting and being immersed in the Word.  In my arrogance, I initially thought the instruction would cause Langston to miss me but God quickly let me know that this time was about Him and me. Here are a few things I learned during that time:
1.      I had deeply rooted rejection issues.  I thought I was fine and didn’t have any major issues, especially rejection.  God revealed to me that my rejection issues went back to being left by my natural father, abused by my ex-husband and dumped or ignored so many times by men in my life.  These issues were driving me to push Langston faster than he wanted to go and causing me to ignore God, His instructions and His timing. The more I pressed Langston, the more he backed away.
2.      Living on the inside of me was an abused, abandoned, confused and broken little girl.  My natural father abandoned me and I was sexually abused by other men. By the time I was 10 years old, my signals for dealing with men were all messed up. I only learned how to be two ways with men, cold and standoffish or needy and clingy. Those do not work! I was attempting to have an adult relationship with the skill set of a 10 year old. I never stood a chance with Langston.
3.      I had not fully received God’s love. Out of all of the things God showed me, this was the most important.  I was severely broken in the area of relationships with men. I’d never had a healthy relationship with any man, not my dad, ex-boyfriends or the fathers of my children. I kept trying to place demands on Langston that he was not qualified to fill. That was God’s job but in all my living and serving God, I didn’t stop long enough to be FILLED with His love.  I kept thinking that God was always mad at me and that He really didn’t love me like He said He did. In the inner parts of my heart, I thought I had to make a man love me.  Ladies, if you have never fully received God’s love, you will not be able to give it and you won’t believe your husband when he tells you.
Now, put deeply rooted rejection issues with a broken 10 year old little girl on top of not fully receiving God’s love and what you get is a hot mess!  So many times, Langston kept saying “Tamara, slow down. Let’s enjoy our friendship.  We can’t get ahead of God.”  He was truly hearing from God because God was telling me the same thing, except I didn’t want to listen.  The song I kept playing in my head was “If I could just get him to the altar, he won’t leave me.”  I felt like I had to prove to all those people who rejected me that I could get and keep a man.  I honestly thought I was allowing Langston to be the man but every time he said “slow down” and I went against his wishes, I was out of line and out or order.  It opened the door for the enemy to come in and cause further confusion. I was in rebellion and that’s a breeding ground for confusion. My mindset at that time can be summed up with James 3:16 NIV which says For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
We cannot afford to enter into marriage with issues of this magnitude.  We have to be totally healed and completely whole in Christ for the sake of being whole, not necessarily because we desire a husband.  Wholeness is beautiful in your singleness and married life. My brokenness manifested itself in some really ugly ways!  I am in communion with God daily because I have become purposed about my growth in this area.    To my surprise and delight, the LORD is rebuilding a beautiful friendship between Langston and me.  I will remain at the friend spot as long as the Lord says so. I will not move ahead of Him or nor will I move ahead of Langston because the Lord makes everything beautiful in His time.
Tamara D. Davis is passionate about encouraging God's people, especially His daughters.  As a former contributor to WOW! (Women of the Word) Magazine, Soul Fusion Magazine and Write In His Presence, she used her writing to nurse the spiritually wounded back to a place of healing and wholeness through Jesus Christ. Her friends playfully call her a "spiritual battlefield nurse with all the right biblical bandages."  Her deepest desire, however, is for her testimony to help other women victoriously triumph over their pasts.

Leave comments for Tamara D. Davis in the comments section.


  1. Replies
    1. Thank you Zenobia! It was even more powerful to live it.

  2. Wow! Its awesome! I can't wait to respond to that awesome email you've sent me....We will talk soon, if not tonite. Love You and Miss You Lots!

    1. Thank you for reading it Kristian. I pray that it blessed you in the way God knows you needed it.

  3. The reference to James 3:16 is powerful, and I saw myself in a lot of what you wrote! Even though I am already married, these lessons will influence my behavior with my husband and give me fodder for prayer and meditation as I seek to continually be filled by HIM rather than my husband. Applying these truths before I got married would have saved some heartache, but God knows what He is doing....never too late for me to learn! Blessings, Tam!

    1. That is the scripture that keeps coming to me every time I get selfish in this process. (Okay, well not every time because I still yield to the selfishness at times.) When we seek self and what WE want over what HE (God) wants and what HE told us, it is bound to end up in strife and disaster. Strife is the manifested presence of the devil and no good thing comes from him. That same verse in The Message translation reads "Whenever you're trying to look better than others or get the better of others, things fall apart and everyone ends up at the others' throats." If you continue to read James 3 in its entirety you will see how God gives wisdom and what doing it His way (wisdom & instruction) entails.

      It's never to late to learn Danielle. Always remain teachable no matter what! Blessings!

    2. Tamara,

      This post has spoken so deeply to my heart and situation. God bless you for your openness and teaching in this area. I have this journey to go through still. I was only praying about marriage last week and asking why the delay (I am in my early fifties). I felt that the Lord was asking me whether or not I thought I was ready. I knew I was not...I have many of the issues you do, minus the abuse, and so, so relate to what the Lord revealed to you. Reading this is an enormous challenge and encouragement. Thank you!